I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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