Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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