i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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