i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
