maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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