My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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