guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's official drugs can't kill me
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
