well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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