Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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