either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
