Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
