we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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