That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
