I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
