When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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