I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
