dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
