Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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