Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
