Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
