a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
