my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
