Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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