a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize