When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
