the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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