I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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