First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
