the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
