do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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