i can't believe i had my finger in that
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
