If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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