I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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