yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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