She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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