I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
