Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
