I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
