I puked a lego.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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