dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
