I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My sheets look like a crime scene.
...so i touched it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
