Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
