I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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