she's into porn, im staying here tonight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I touched a dick in church today
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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