Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
