I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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