HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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