seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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