wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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