I just pynch a tree in the face
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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