Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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