if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
