Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
